I have definitely had that experience of not being able to identify anything I want. (And then having to go figure it out.) Thanks for writing about this.
I'm glad you found resonance with it! If you'd be comfortable sharing, I'd love to know what you did to go figure out what you wanted. . . . and if you're still doing that now.
Oh I have tons of examples. Just to echo back your beauty example, I grew up with the message from a really young age that I wasn’t pretty or attractive & I wasn’t going to grow into being a pretty or attractive woman so I might as well stop trying. In fact, it would be kind of stupid of me to want to make myself look nice because obviously that wasn’t going to happen. (Like your example of might as well be sweet.)
I guess different people would respond to this in different ways, but I accepted it -- I dressed in men’s clothes, paid no attention to my body, & stopped wanting things for myself as a physical being. In your structure, I became an object in the patriarchy, but not an object of pleasure.
I thought I was slipping by, escaping notice by not conforming. Instead, I was making myself into another kind of object -- an invisible object, who often battled to be seen & respected.
It’s taken many years & much therapy to start wanting things (everything from respect to a sequin skirt) & not hiding all my desires behind ill-fitting clothes.
Thank you so much for this. I really resonate with these strategies, and the idea of not being "an object of pleasure". I used to wish that if I could be more invisible I could maybe find the back door out of patriarchy, only to find that I was still enclosed in its logic. Hooray for your hard work on finding and claiming your desires!
That was an awesome read.
Thank you so much! I'm glad you found it useful.
Thank you for a great read that made me think.
You're welcome! Thank you for telling me!
What a smart, golden explanation. Thank you! 😊
You're so welcome! Thank you for writing this.
Yep. What do you want? My mind would go blank, feel some pressure to know what I want with 18 years behind me of no one caring or asking.
It's very challenging, both coming into connection with self and then risking sharing that with another person. Thank you for writing.
I have definitely had that experience of not being able to identify anything I want. (And then having to go figure it out.) Thanks for writing about this.
I'm glad you found resonance with it! If you'd be comfortable sharing, I'd love to know what you did to go figure out what you wanted. . . . and if you're still doing that now.
Oh I have tons of examples. Just to echo back your beauty example, I grew up with the message from a really young age that I wasn’t pretty or attractive & I wasn’t going to grow into being a pretty or attractive woman so I might as well stop trying. In fact, it would be kind of stupid of me to want to make myself look nice because obviously that wasn’t going to happen. (Like your example of might as well be sweet.)
I guess different people would respond to this in different ways, but I accepted it -- I dressed in men’s clothes, paid no attention to my body, & stopped wanting things for myself as a physical being. In your structure, I became an object in the patriarchy, but not an object of pleasure.
I thought I was slipping by, escaping notice by not conforming. Instead, I was making myself into another kind of object -- an invisible object, who often battled to be seen & respected.
It’s taken many years & much therapy to start wanting things (everything from respect to a sequin skirt) & not hiding all my desires behind ill-fitting clothes.
Thank you so much for this. I really resonate with these strategies, and the idea of not being "an object of pleasure". I used to wish that if I could be more invisible I could maybe find the back door out of patriarchy, only to find that I was still enclosed in its logic. Hooray for your hard work on finding and claiming your desires!
Holy shit. This was awesome. Just... thank you.
You're so welcome. I'm so glad you liked it!